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[Jester listens with a sinking feeling in her stomach. It's just as she'd feared; life outside of the Nameless Isle goes on just as it had before she came here, but she'll never really get to enjoy any of it, because she knows better. She knows that Fjord might love her, but he's not in love with her like he is Molly. Fjord wants to be with Molly, wants to go off and sail the seas with him, and even though he already said Jester could come with, she doesn't know if she'd rather do that or just be on her own.]

Oh. Okay. That's cool.

[Her voice gets tight and high and she's obviously upset and she hates when she's so transparent about it, when it's so much that she can't just smile through it and shrug it off. Jester sucks in a huge breath and disappears under the surface of the water for a few seconds, because she can't deal with her own overwhelming disappointment right now and Beau shouldn't have to either. When she resurfaces, she pushes the water away from her face.]

It's fine. [She gives Beau a quick smile, already back to pushing her feelings down for later, later.] Thanks for filling me in.

[Beau's face is clearly puzzled. She was under the impression this was good news, and this is not Good News Jester.]

Oh, Jes.

[a little awkwardly, she holds out her arms, offering Jester to come to her.]

I don't know what's going on, I thought you'd be happy, why are you, it's okay if you cry I guess?

[Jester deflates a little, turning and trusting herself into the circle of Beau's arms, resting her head against the monk's shoulder. (Careful of her horns, as always.)]

It's fine. I'm not going to cry. It's just...Fjord wants to marry Molly, I'm pretty sure. So I'm going to just...figure out something else. Maybe I'll just stay in Nicodranas with my Mama.

[She's honestly surprisingly calm as she says all of this. Like she's been thinking it over for awhile, which she has.]

[with Jester in her arms it's a little easier, because then at least she can pet her hair. that doesn't involve talking, so she won't say anything stupid.

Probably.]

I mean, where we came from, he really does love you. I saw it, you know?

So I don't...wanna tell you what to do. Things are weird and different here for a lot of reasons, but at home you should do whatever fulfills you, just like here you should do whatever fulfills you, okay? if that means being with Fjord, then be with Fjord. If that means staying with your mama, then stay with your mama. If that means finding someone new who doesn't wanna pick crusty smelly Molly over you, then find someone who doesn't wanna pick crusty smelly Molly over you. Because you're fucking...radiant and special and you deserve to feel radiant and special. Got it?

[Jester lets out a shuddering breath, letting herself relax a little bit against Beau's chest. Deep breaths. In and out. You don't have to run away from your feelings all the time.]

I know he loves me. But Molly will always come first. And I'm happy for them, Beau, I really am. And me and Fjord, we have fun and we care about each other a lot, he's my oldest friend except for Artie! But it isn't the same, you know? And I just get so scared, because—

[Her voice starts to get tight and high and her throat feels like it's closing off as she takes another shuddery breath.]

Fjord has Molly, and Caleb has Essek, and Veth has Yeza, and you have Yasha. Caduceus isn't into that, so that just leaves me. It sounds...so fucking stupid now that I'm saying it out loud, but I just get so scared I'll get left behind! I'll just be...alone, in Nicodranas, forever.

[Beau is very quiet for a moment]

Jessie.

For one thing, I just told you what happens with you and Fjord at home, so you know that's not true, unless you change it.

And, um.

Can I tell you something? About Molly?

It won't be the same.

[She doesn't say anything more than that, because suddenly she has One Fear about the way Beau is bringing Molly up. She pulls away finally, settling back in her seat and bringing her knees up to hug them with her arms.]

...What is it, Beau?

You don't know that, but I know I can't convince you of it. And even if it's not Fjord, you're...fucking...it's like I said. you're radiant and special and super fucking pretty and funny and cute. There's no way you'd be left behind.

[she's quiet, thoughtful, choosing her words carefully. this has never gotten easier, all the times she's explained it.]

When we brought him back--after we killed Lucien--he was weak and sick. He was himself, but he wasn't. And after we cast the Greater Restoration--

[she's careful to say 'we' so as to not give Jester any undue guilt]

He came back as someone else. And that guy was a fucking dick.

Edited 2021-08-03 04:47 (UTC)

Yeah. I...I know, you're probably right.

[She shrugs. She doesn't really want to argue it, because in her mind there's nothing to argue. And anyway, it's being put out of her mind entirely by what Beau says next. She feels her blood run cold.]

He was...someone else? Like...a completely different person?

Yeah. Like when Lucien moved in on him except not evil, just kind of a douchebag. He called himself Kingsley. Like, what kind of name is that?

Oh, fuck.

[Jester glances around wildly for a second, before grabbing Beau's cocktail and gulping back a swig of it. Sometimes alcohol is called for.]

Beau, that's really bad. This is really, really bad. Oh, gods...

[What are they going to do? How do they tell Molly about this? Does Fjord know?]

I mean, it's just...we don't really--Molly's body's just like that, you know?

[Beau takes a drink, too]

It was ready for a new host, even if we weren't. But Molly's here with us, and it's okay. We don't have to worry about it right now, okay? And...you don't have to worry about him stealing your man at home, either.

[it's a bad joke, but it's all she can do.]

Y-yeah, I guess so. It's just...

[Jester looks completely aghast, but Beau's reassurances are enough to keep her from going completely off the deep end (for now).

She takes a huge inhale and then a long slow exhale.]

Okay. Okay, you're right. It's...I can't just spend all my time worrying about the future. Maybe I'll never get off this stupid island and none of it will matter!

[Looking on the bright side, nailed it.]

I--

[Beau stops and starts talking several times, and finally just reaches over to run her hand through Jester's hair. She's trying to be positive! That...counts...for something, right?]

Um...Sure. Yeah, Jessie, let's go with that.

[Jester lets her spine relax a little as Beau ruffles her hair, slumping down into the water.]

Sorry. I didn't mean to totally ruin our hot tub party with all my dumb feelings.

You didn't ruin it. It's okay. Do you want me to, uh, get you some more milk? Do you want another cupcake or something?

[she's doing! her! best!]

No, no, I'm okay. Give me another sip of your drink, though?

[fucking #yolo]

Oh, yeah, okay, here.

[taking a sip and then handing it to her with a crooked grin]

[She takes another sip from the edge of the glass, cringing a little at how much vodka she'd put in. Otherwise it's not half-bad, honestly.]

Thanks. Everything is just, like, a mess, and alcohol seems to be everyone else's way of dealing with it, so.

[funny, Beau thought it could've handled a shot or two more. but nonetheless.]

yeah, we're a group with great coping mechanisms. C'mere?

I'm right here, Beau.

[She wiggles a little closer, though, her tail rising breaking the surface to splash water at the monk.]

yeah, well...

[she laughs, splashing jester a little back and then pulling her in]

you look like you need a hug or something.

I always need a Beau hug.

[She squeezes her arms around Beau's middle, grateful to not be alone right now. Grateful that someone knows how she feels, finally. It's a weight off her shoulders.]

[Beau kisses the top of her head, hugs her back]

I've got a bunch of them for you.

[Jester inhales and then exhales on a deep sigh, letting more of the tension roll off her body and melt into the hot water.]

I really missed you, Beau. It’s hard being here when some of us are missing.

whoops sorry i went off

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