leetle | IC INBOX

I can't just not worry about you, Fjord. I hurt you, I think, and I have to be responsible for it.

[Being an adult is fucking terrible and she hates it, thank u.]

If it makes you feel any better, we hadn't actually...put a name on it. You did tell everyone that you were mad for me, though. [Her voice drops and she mimics his accent, there. The wind goes out of her sails, so to speak, immediately afterward, and Jester looks down at the sand as she goes on.]

It really hurt my feelings when you said that you only asked me out because you panicked.

[ Feeling his cheeks darken in hue, he clears his throat at the mad for me comment. He was definitely interested and invested, the phrasing is a little odd, as if he had nothing to fear from baring the raw components of his heart.

His face softens from a mild frown as she admits she was hurt and he wants to kick himself. ]

I was reacting too when I said that, I couldn't figure out why I would wait until before you were badly injured and panicking ... made sense. I suppose that was the push I needed? I'm sorry, I don't know; I can't explain something I haven't done. [ Sighing, he rubs the back of his head. ] I wasn't worried about anyone else getting trapped in this dimension, not really. I wanted them all here ...

But every time I thought about the Augur giving you that A5 list, it made me want to escape all the faster. I've done things I didn't want to so I can get my powers and abilities back, make a safe house and have extra squares to get back other people's things, all so I can protect us. Protect you, Jester, from bartering away pieces of yourself the same way. That was how it felt to me.

So I was ... surprised, when you said you had found someone else so fast.

I know. [She understands, she really does! If she found out about something she'd done in the future, she'd want to know why, want to find an explanation for it. Jester didn't paint a very clear picture when she told him.

And she understands, too, about him wanting to protect her from doing things she didn't want to do. He's protective, always has been, and it's something she really admires about Fjord.]

Your intentions were so good, [she reassures him, laying a hand softly across one green forearm.] I know that. You said I didn't have to do anything, that you'd get me anything I needed, and my immediate reaction was that...well, in that case, I only have to do things if I want to, and it's not totally dire if I have a square that I totally don't want to do. I can just skip it, because my friends are here to look out for me and keep me fed and stuff.

[Her chest rises and falls quickly, getting to the part that she's been dreading the most.]

And then because you told me you were so super happy here with your four lovers, I did something really fucking stupid. I'd been talking to him a bit earlier in the day, and he was really charming and stuff, so I asked Vax for advice about a square I wasn't sure about.

[Jester's hand slides away from Fjord's forearm, and she bends forward to cradle her face in her hands, too much of a coward to look at Fjord's expression right now. She feels so, so, so small.]

And he offered to help me fill it, so we did. It was wrong of me, I know it was! And I'm really sorry that I went off and did that, Fjord.

[ He's following along and nodding, agreeing, until she mentions doing something stupid. When she says he Fjord's attention narrows (he always suspected it would be another guy, out of his own insecurities more than anything, and to have that confirmed making him feel exactly as bad as it does) but it's when she mentions a name that it feels like something in his head short-circuits and he must have misheard.

As Jester covers her face and agonises over her mistake, Fjord is still trying to figure out if he heard her correctly. When she doesn't correct herself he's still swimming in a fog of confusion, because Vax is his. He said so. Kind of. He knows that he named him as one of the four people he had started a relationship with.

It's also like smashing dolls together in his head, he can't imagine it. ]

Vax ... Vax'ildan?

Yeah.

[It comes out barely a whisper, the sound of the swelling sea nearly drowning it out. She's so ashamed, red-hot embarrassment and despair welling up inside her. It's the worst part of it: no matter what she says, none of that makes this okay.]

I didn't do it to, like, get back at you or make you mad. I know that doesn't make it okay.

[ Silent as he blinks, looking at her as if all the pieces of the conversation they were having just turned into an entirely different jigsaw, he tilts his head. ]

I told you that I was with Vax.

[ It's like trying to ride a dragon, getting onboard with why Jester would sleep with someone he specified as having feelings for makes no sense. Fjord rubs his face to stay level-headed, as much as he can with his heart suddenly a lead weight in his chest. ]

Why did you do it?

Edited 2021-05-25 21:08 (UTC)

I know, you did. I know. I just wasn't...thinking very clearly. I was upset, and he offered, and I just thought...

[This is torture, this is agony, worse than her tattoo, worse that watching Sehanine drag the Traveler up into the sky, worse than watching her friends die or nearly die, because all of that is in the past but this is now. She's feeling so much it burns up inside her. She pictures herself Disintegrating into ash and dust, floating away across the sea. But that's not reality.

She uncurls from herself, straightening up but not looking at Fjord, not just yet.]

I thought it would make me feel like I had any kind of control over anything.

[It's true, she realizes as she's saying it. Tossed onto this island, marching toward what's sure to be a losing fight to save the world back home, amid a whole lot of emotional turmoil on top of losing out on someone she'd been clinging to for dear life...it's been a lot. A lot.]

It doesn't make it right. And I should have thought about it for more than ten seconds. And y-you shouldn't blame Vax because I didn't tell him and I'm guessing you didn't either, so he had no idea.

... I said something to him a couple of days ago, it wasn't much. I — I wasn't feeling good, so we took a nap together.

[ Now he's confused beyond figuring out why Vax didn't push for why Fjord felt shitty over Jester's presence being in the City, it would have made sense to. Wouldn't it? Only Vax was distracted by whatever Fjord had done to him when they mated and ... they just fell asleep.

There's no anger. It's as if his chest has filled with water and he's finished drowning with nowhere to go, unsure what to do with himself; this was exactly the sort of empty gutting feeling he feared when Vax held him close and soothed his anxieties. Between disliking the thought of anyone sleeping with Jester (which he knows is horribly possessive but can't shake) and the revelation of it as one of his mates, Fjord turns around to walk back to the driftwood log where he sits back down, head bowed and arms on his knees as he stares at the sand and wills himself the strength not to let the island hurt him.

He looks tired and, like he told Molly (instead of compromising every corner of his heart over and over) he very much wants to go home. ]

Oh, Fjord...

[She really fucked this up. She can't just cure wounds, she can't ask for a divine intervention to fix her mistake. Is this worse than getting kicked out of Nicodranas for embarrassing Lord Sharpe? Either way, it doesn't matter.

Jester finally summons the courage to look at Fjord as he sits there, staring down into the sand. It kills her. Slowly, she gathers herself up and stands, taking a few steps away and staring out into the sea.]

I understand if you don't want to talk to me for awhile. Or...e-ever.

[Part of her kind of hopes he just tells her as much, so she can just resign herself to it instead of letting herself hope for better, but she also recognizes that she's being really dramatic.]

What? [ Even through the sad haze settled over him, he looks across in her direction. Not speak to her ever again? ] Why would I do that?

[ She's one of his best friends, like he told her.

He shakes his head and leans forward, a hand covering his eyes. While he tries to digest the newest twist in his rapidly messed up relationships, it also becomes paramount after hearing her talk like that to try and be fair, too. Somehow. ]

I know him. I trust him, so ... I'm glad it was someone like Vax that [ a fraction of a pause, ] took care of you the way you wanted.

[ Even if it wasn't me. ]

B-because I betrayed your trust and stuff!

[Oh good, she's crying now, because of course she is. Her hot tears hit the sand beneath her feet and still she stares out at the ocean, trying hard to swallow the doughnut-sized lump in her throat as she summons the courage to say what she says next.]

It doesn't matter, because I really, really wanted it to be you, Fjord. I've wanted that for a really long time. And no matter how nice my first time was I can't take it back, ever!

Vax isn't a bad guy. Don't ... don't wish to take all of it back because of me, he doesn't deserve that.

[ First time. He'll feel that hit home later, for now he's just numb and miserable. ]

I'll admit, I wanted it to be me too. [ What's the point in lying? ] When I first arrived here, I didn't want anyone. I thought it would make me worth less, make me more of whatever I was after Avantika, surviving like this. I told myself, Jester would want you to get home any way you can, she won't care about what you did.

I never got home.

Okay.

[She steels herself and then makes herself turn back around to look at Fjord, shoulders squared and face determined despite the flush and the smudged eye makeup and the tears trickling all the way down into the collar of her sweater.]

I wouldn't care, Fjord. I don't. I might have been jealous and insecure, [she laughs a humorless laugh] but I never thought less of you for having to or wanting to do anything.

[She takes a couple of steps forward in the sand, crossing an invisible line between them, or at least approaching it.]

You know that, right? I don't care how many people you love. I just...want to be someone you like, at least a little.

You said we were together back home.

[ He looks up at her where she stands in front of him in the sand, still slouched where he sits as he drops his hand. ]

You knew I liked you when you came here, Jessie.

You're right. I did.

[She chews at her lip, trying to find the right words.]

You were so happy when you talked about Molly, and Caleb, and Vax, and...and Aphrodite. [She treats the last name with extra special care, keeping her voice light and neutral because she doesn't want to sound bitter in the least.] And you talked about what a bombshell she is and how she's a goddess and you're her paladin. I thought...

[The tiefling squirms visibly in the same, her tail whipping restlessly back and forth, once.]

Maybe you changed your mind about liking me, because you have this gorgeous love goddess now. Obviously that's stupid, but I can be kind of stupid sometimes.

I don't change my mind about wanting people, that's kind of the problem.

[ He pats the driftwood beside him so she doesn't have to stand there like she's on trial for living her own life. What Molly said about not treating her like she's from a book, the same way she did once with the Oskar stuff, still resonates through Fjord. ]

I only told you about all of them because you never seemed that bothered when I did, you were this supportive cheer squad and I ... I should have seen past that. I was just so nervous about telling you, I didn't.

Oh.

[It's a big oh, a thunderclap right over her head, and Jester has to squeeze down the bolt of joy that wants to strike through her, not...not yet. Numbly, she walks back and sits down next to Fjord, never as aware of her own limbs as she is right now.]

Of course I was supportive. It was really good to hear about you feeling so happy and loved. It's what you deserve. I was sad, sure, and upset, but I didn't say anything because I figured, well, he's got people that love him, why mess with that?

Even if I hadn't known I had said something, you did. You had the right to mess, Jes.

[ Wanting to take her hand, he forces his to remain where they drape between his knees. Ahead of them the ocean is beautiful, murky on an overcast day but still peaceful. Silent as he thinks of how to word himself, Fjord goes with honesty. ]

When Molly and I started fooling around, that was all it was. Then it changed, and we promised we would be faithful to each other as much as the City allows. We made sure to share the same bed every night, no matter who we were with during the day. It was ... important to me. Molly's the reason I haven't broken down yet.

[ Yet. He walks a thinner wire every day. ]

I know you don't want to hear about the others but he's a big part of my life now.

Well, I guess I know that now. I've never done any of this stuff, remember?

[She fidgets with the hems of her socks, picking at the edge of the elastic as she listens to Fjord talk about Molly.]

I get it. And I don't...I don't not want to hear about it. If you love someone, I want to be a good enough friend to you to listen to it. Friends are supposed to support each other no matter what, and Fjord...

[Her fingers curl and uncurl, wanting so badly to reach for his hand.]

No matter what else happens I am always your friend.

Thank you, Jester. Even if everyone broke up on the spot, I'd like to think we would all still be friends at the end of our time on this godsforsaken island.

[ Picking up on the way her hands are restless, he finally places one of his over hers. ]

Can we ... start this over? Because apparently I bared my soul to you in the future but I'm from my own past and it's giving me anxiety not knowing what's happened. What I did, or why.

Well, of course. We're all stuck with each other.

[The air goes out of her as she feels Fjord's hand cover hers, and she just sort of...goes boneless against his side, the tension draining out of her body. She sounds really tired.]

Yeah. Let's do that.

[Head still resting on Fjord's shoulder, she explains the whole thing. The statues, what happened to her, their talk in the tower...and then everything else she remembers, too. All the details, the scary fights and uncertainty and having to evacuate her Mama and Veth's family.]

...so I totally feel like if the world doesn't end my Mama and my Dad are definitely getting back together. And that...is everything I remember.

[And she feels like a ten-ton weight has been lifted from her shoulders, after weeks of carrying all that around unsure how to tell anyone all of it.]

[ Slumped against each other as a light drizzle skirts across the beach, it's a lot to take in. ]

No wonder you've been stressed, beyond all the dumb romance stuff.

[ He really hopes the families are okay, cheek resting on Jester's blue hair as he runs through it all. ]

The world won't end. [ Fjord has plans to return to the Menagerie Coast after all the bullshit with the Somnovem and Ickithon is finished. No one is taking away a well-deserved holiday like that. ] Jes, if you want to see more people in this City because it's your choice and not the Augur's, like you said, then ... I want you to do that. I want you to feel like you can talk to me too.

That's what I'm saying! [Her tone is more upbeat, now, closer to her usual self than she's been in days. She's so content to sit here and just...not feel mad or sad or jealous or any of the other stupid things she's felt since she got here.]

I don't know if I want to, yet. Eventually, maybe, but...not right now. But if I do...I'll talk to you about it.

[She looks up at him, the tiniest smile on her face, and she almost doesn't ask the question but it's burning to be asked. She knows she won't be able to rest easy until she does, anyway.]

And what about...you and me? You just want to be friends?

... You'll always be a friend, but never just a friend. Does that make sense?

[ That was what he wrestled so hard with when he got mad at Molly for shoving a reminder of Jester in his face when they were being intimate, it made Fjord feel horrid. Multiple partners who are aware of each other is one thing, and he's slowly getting used to the idea of having the ability to bond with certain people in a crazy halforc way while having one real mate, but while she was absent there was no reconciling why those conflicting feelings were rising up.

She's here now, though. And she's being amazing, all things considered. Quieter, even though it's just them on the beach, he confesses, ]

I think you're so beautiful, [ clarifying a beat later, ] stubby horns or not.

Yeah, it does.

[It does! It's all she could have hoped for or wanted, coming here. If that's what Fjord wants, then she's more than happy to have that with him. There's a smile in her voice, whether or not Fjord turns to look at it on her mouth, and she wriggles a little bit in her seat, like her body can't handle the compliment he gives her, so soft and beautiful like music to her pointy blue ears.]

Thank you, Fjord. [There's a shy pause, before she's giggling.] Of course you already know how handsome and rugged I think you are.

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