leetle | IC INBOX

under NORMAL circumstances?
has something happened with that person? you can tell me

uggggh no it has nothing to do with them and everything to do with [it takes her a full minute to work up the nerve—] you
you're the person i actually like

[ There's a pause of a minute or so between messages as he sits up in bed, blinking at her message. She means in that way, she must if that's what she's annoyed he hasn't realised, and it's confusing on a lot of levels. She's been entirely herself, just as confident as Fjord remembers, so he didn't feel possessive or any huge degree of jealousy when she branched out (a little) just ... convinced her old crush was well and truly over. She's been so happy for him and he's told her so much.

... Oh gods, so much. ]

but you hooked up with that person the first week you arrrived

[In the interim between sending her message and receiving his, Jester takes a moment to take a deep breath and then scream into her pillow. When she gets Fjord's message, she's immediately typing back despite how trembly she is all of a sudden.]

because i was sad
because i thought that you suddenly didn't want me anymore
you know i come from a later time than you
i just...didn't want to mention how things were for us because you seemed so happy
and who was i to barge in here and demand things be exactly the same way for us!!!!!!

[ whARHFJFL ]

what do you mean, "the way things are for us?

i mean

[No, Jester erases that, and this time sends a voice message, because it's a thousand times easier to just ramble aloud like she's Sending than it is to try and type a coherent sentence.]

I mean that...the night after the statue thing that made me look older, you. You came up to my room and asked to kiss me. And I said yes, and that ever since then we've been, like, you know. A thing.

[she pauses, catching her breath and trying to steady her voice.]

And I just didn't want to come in here and ruin all this good stuff you have going.

[ When he hears her message he brings over a pillow and yells into it, head in his hands as he replays what she says. He told Caleb he was growing anxious about missing out on his chance with Jester back home, told him how in hindsight that seemed a shitty reason to get with someone (which Caleb didn't disagree with), and apparently because Fjord is an idiot he did it anyway and now Jester has been bouncing around the island as his Exandrian girlfriend while Molly and everyone else has been chattering about getting fucked sideways by him.

Gods. Why is this his life!!

One thing in her story catches his attention in a way that leaves a lump in his stomach, still too anxious to trust his voice in a reply back. ]

AFTER the statue made you older?

[ Yeah, that would ... spur his freaked-out ass on. ]

[She switches back to text, now, because it feels...safer. A little less vulnerable. More controlled. There's a massive lump in her throat, and she can't decide if she wants to cry or punch something or throw up.]

yeah
i thought maybe...i don't know like maybe i was suddenly good looking and that was why??
i'm so confused, fjord

[ He has to compartmentalise or his brain will leak out of his ears. So, dealing with Home Stuff in a minute, he veers the subject in another direction. ]

i'm so sorry you've had to hear me talk about other people and
just everything on the island
since you got here
that must have been really shitty for you while you were keeping all of this to yourself
i understand why you did it and you're too good to me, jessie

you don't have to be sorry, fjord
i literally did this to myself, after all
that's why i'm so frustrated

[She still wants to scream! It sucks really bad and right now she's very much teetering on a precipice with no idea of what's going to happen next.]

i should tell you the rest in person
there's some stuff i haven't told you about being on the island
it's about you, in a way

can you give me 15 minutes to get dressed and i'll come over?

[Boy, she's not sure if that makes her feel any better at all. But she also isn't going to keep herself in suspense unnecessarily just to be petty, so!]

sure. i'll be here.

[She's waiting for him on the front steps, in fact, her newly-cropped hair bristling in the night wind just above her shoulders as she hugs her arms around her knees, dressed in a pair of pale pink pajamas.][ ]

[ A round of fucks leave him as he gets dressed, yanking on some jeans and a henley, then realising he will be flying and it will probably rain because the island is garbage, pulling on a woolly high-collared sweatshirt too. He finishes off the last of the beer he was drinking before bed and summons the Star Razor which pierces the darkness like a knife and serves as an incoming beacon once he flies to the Neinhaus; no need to walk when in a hurry, apparently, and he makes it just within ten minutes before the spell runs out.

He sees her on the front porch and his stomach twists with snakes, having wanted to meet inside ... this feels ominous. Fjord lands and vanishes the sword, a bit damp from his travel up from the beach. ]

You cut your hair?

[ It's distractingly the first thing he notices. ]

[She's been enjoying the cool weather from under the porch, a soothing balm against her flushed cheeks and racing pulse, but she'll go in if that's what he wants. Jester's heart is in her mouth as she sees Fjord approach from above, and she resists the urge to bury her face in her knees and avoid having to look him in the eye after the embarrassing fucking conversation she just initiated. Instead she just smiles, sort of weakly, and shrugs.]

Yeah, yesterday morning. I went to the amusement park with Caleb yesterday so I wanted my hair out of the way.

Oh, that's ... nice.

[ His smile is just as awkward, rubbing the back of his neck as he paces up the stoop. How does he go about this? ]

Jessie, I ... uh ...

[Not for the first time, Jester wishes she could read minds, so she could just know what he's going to say and not have to agonize over it. But she doesn't know Detect Thoughts, so all she can do is watch him with wide, uncertain eyes.]

Yes, Fjord?

[ Letting out a breath, he grabs his courage by what tethers it has left and decides forging ahead is the best option for both of them. ]

Before I got dimensionally hurled out of Eiselcross and into the sea here, I was ... thinking about you and me. It was getting more and more dangerous and it was starting to feel like I might miss out on being with you, if something happened. Apparently it did.

I haven't gone through any of the statue stuff but my best guess is that I panicked and asked you out afterwards. I think ... from the sounds of how I behaved, I could have been fairer about it. You deserve better than that.

Oh.

[The words filter through Jester's brain in a hollow, ringing sort of way. I panicked. You deserve better. She knows these words, knows the picture that he's putting together. She can't help the way her voice sounds a little hollow, too.]

Yeah, I...I understand.

No, no, I'm not painting the whole picture. Let me keep going, please? [ He glances up at the house, shoulders slumping. ] It's about the first fight me and Molly had, and it ... it was about you.

[Dully, she feels herself nod. Is he going to try and make her feel better somehow? Because if that's the case, she'd much rather he didn't, but—

well, he came all the way here. The least she can do is hear him out.]

I don't understand. Why would you and Molly fight about me?

When I got here I freaked out. I mean, I really ...

[ He went full Flight Mode, gesturing helplessly since she can probably imagine. ]

I had to put everything about home on the back-burner in my mind and commit to whatever it took to get my abilities and spells back. That was the only way I could handle this place, by treating it like an obstacle ...

Like Avantika, only times a thousand.

[ That whole liaison had compromised him as much as Caleb had thought, the City having the same effect. ]

Anyway, after a while me and Molly started getting more serious, [ blushing harder, ] and I hadn't been with anyone like that before. I hadn't dated, you know? [ Of course she knows, you idiot. ] Long story short, I told him I didn't want to know who he was sleeping with to complete his card and I wanted him back with me every night. Those were ... the terms that held us together, since I couldn't bear sharing him. Then, one day, he comes home with his arm tattooed to commemorate the Nein, it's all these beautiful designs and he's happy because he's sticking it to Lucien or whatever ...

[ Sighing, Fjord looks up from where his gaze has fallen. ]

He had this lollipop right on his hand where it was always visible when he touched me, and I ... I didn't like that. I didn't like how I would try to be with him and then immediately think of you. It felt like cheating, Jessie, I had to say something ...

In all the time we were here I hadn't told Molly I liked you back home, and here I was dictating how to handle the idea of him with other people.

[As he talks, Jester watches him with her chin perched on her knees, fingers fidgeting with the fabric of her pajama pants. She can feel tears wanting to sting at the corners of her eyes, but she valiantly holds them back. Not yet, she has to wait until she's by herself...]

I see. [She says this slowly, even though she doesn't see, not really.] So you didn't like being reminded of me? Is that supposed to make me feel better because it really doesn't.

[She might, perhaps, be acting a little bit petty.]

Shit, no, I mean ...

[ Why does this always happen when he talks about that damn tattoo?! It's fucking cursed. ]

Molly was upset because I ... I was soft on you. I hadn't let myself think about anything from home because I was trying to survive here, then I had this reminder tattooed on the hand of the person I was trying to focus on and I hadn't figured anything out, so I couldn't.

[There are so many things bouncing through Jester's head right now that she's having a hard time actually saying anything useful. Truly, she wishes she could just go back to sleep, but it wouldn't be fair to Fjord if she didn't listen to his whole explanation after dropping a bomb on him like this.]

Fjord...I don't really know what to say. I'm sorry? [The next part of her words is muffked as she presses her hands to her face.]

Why do I feel like I should have just kept my mouth shut.

You don't have anything to be sorry about, don't say that.

[ Slumping where he stands, he plants a hand on a hip and covers his eyes as he takes a deep breath. All he knows is that he hates the island and wants to go home. ]

I'm the one fucking everything up, no matter where I go. I'm sorry.

IC INBOX | @erku

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